I’m Not Gay

What a bizarre night.

At a party, someone's 30th, very drunk, in a pub.  I eye up a curly-haired girl.She looks back at me and says "Are you gay?"

Without blinking I smile, say "No, I'm not. But thanks for asking." and walk off to the bar.

I get this a lot, you see. People asking if I'm gay. I think it's the highlighted hair and the fact I'm naturally quite an effeminate person. (Actually, I prefer 'bubbly' to effeminate) To be honest, I'm always surprised that they actually come out with it though, as it does seem a bit of a rude question. If I was gay, would I be embarrased at their asking? I don't know really!

Anyway, this one wouldn't take 'no' for an answer! She came up to me later on and said "Sorry, I refuse to believe that you're not gay." I said "Well, I'm not" – I mean how else could I respond?
"Oh come on, you must be."

"No, seriously. I'm not gay."

"How many men do you know who have highlights that aren't gay?"

"Er.. ..my friend KD?. I'm not gay. What else do you want me to say?"

"You must be gay. You're really handsome."

"Thanks. But I'm not."

"You are. You're gay."

We repeated this exchange two or three times, I suspected to begin with that it was some kind of game, a dare, or a ruse to get me to snog her to 'prove it' – but, no, this girl really was genuinely confused by me! It annoyed me a bit too – I guess if I had been gay (and quite a few of my friends are) I'd have found her attitude quite rude and patronising. I mean, ultimately, so what if I was? What business was it of hers?

So I did what any self-respecting man would do… …and snogged her to prove I wasn't. To which her response was…

"No. That wasn't a straight man's kiss."

Seriously, I'm not making this up – she genuinely meant all this.

So, we snogged a bit more on the sofa and she kept saying things like "I'm still trying to work you out" amidst my feeble protestations. I didn't really think, I was enjoying snogging a lot, so eventually we swapped numbers, agreed to go for a drink and she left.

Blimey. I'm still trying to work the whole thing out myself! You see, in the whole 'being drunk' and 'proving I wasn't gay' thing, I didn't really ever get a chance to take any time to figure out if I fancied her or even liked her!

Maybe that was her idea…

Official Warning

If you see somebody sneaking into Budgens and doing some unauthorised weighing, report it immediately.

Love Triangle

I knew it, I bloody knew it.

My housemate DID snog Hannah whilst they were travelling!

Just brilliant.  Isn't one girlfriend enough for him?  Does he feel that perhaps I'm not quite jealous enough of cosy attached couples at the moment and need my nose rubbing in it a little bit more by having the one ray of hope in my lovelife at the moment snuffed out?  Bastard.

Swing Low

I was lonely and down tonight – it was a massive anticlimax after meeting Hannah in France, falling madly in love and then having to leave. Why the fuck didnt I get her number or something. Fear of rejection. Just sat in the flat by myself drinking wine and watching shit TV, trying not to think about it.

Predictably, a lonely man with a mobile phone is a dangerous situation. Started texting random birds that I know. Seeing my ex for lunch soon. Having a drink with a girl I met travelling. Hell, I even made up with Carmen, we agreed to "be friends". That one's a big mistake.  It essentially means that Carmen is going to swamp me with emails and texts which I will reply to, even though I know we're not right for each other but just because I'm bored, until one night when I am at the pique of my loneliness and let my guard down, she will pounce, I will give way and then wake up with her the next morning with her gazing at me adoringly and assuming this means we're now engaged to be married.

Pity The Fool

I am completely, utterly lovesick.

I can't stop thinking about her, I pace about, my hands are fidgety, I have an ache in the pit of my stomach, I feel totally elated one moment then utterly despairing the next. It's proper textbook stuff.

And, as usual, it's with somebody I can't have.

She's called Hannah, she's an actress and is touring around France with my housemate and other actors for a few weeks. I've just been out to stay with the six of them in a country house. She is just the most incredible person I've met in a long time. Really attractive in a very sultry way. Long blonde hair, high cheekbones, sexy big lips, a lovely petite frame with a gorgeous pair of boobs! She lights up a room with her bubbly personality, boundless energy and infectious laughter.

The six of us spent three days touring around French towns and beaches. I got on with Hannah instantly – I loved the way I could make her laugh so easily, I craved her company and, of course, fancied her rotten. Did she like me back? Well there were some signs (lots of eye contact, brushing of arms and a tender hug on a cold crazy-golf course!) But I wasn't the only one getting the attention; she's a big flirt which makes her a dangerous person to get attracted to.

The Small Problem
Hannah has a bloke. I got the impression she's not keen though. Just as well, he's some prick that lives on a narrow-boat apparently. Make that a lucky prick.

The Big Problem
I think my housemate might feel the same about her! They've been touring together for six weeks, perhaps they've just become close friends, but maybe more. He isn't single, but it's no big secret that's about to change, so who knows… I was absolutely gutted last night when Hannah got drunk and made a comment about how cute Pete's face was, then looked all guilty and said she shouldn't have said it.

The Real Reason
So, once again, for the third time in, like, 3 months, I find myself saying "Wooo! I've found the one!"  This is becoming a nasty habit.  It's a fucking rose-tinted infatuation. I always get like this when I meet somebody vaguely compatible.  Exactly the same thing happened on holiday with N – I thought I'd met my dream woman, I built it all up, it came tumbling down. Why do I keep doing this?!

I'm back from France now. The only way to really ever see Hannah again would be to make contact through my housemate – I'd love to be honest with him about my feelings but how can I do that if he likes her too?! It would put us both in a weird situation. Dammit, what a pickle.. Perhaps I should make my move whilst he's still officially in a relationship!!

I've never been one to make life easy for myself…

The Email I Never Sent

I got a really nasty email off Carmen today, berating me for not being in touch since I dumped her and then drunkenly texting her last week. Now, bear in mind that I only saw this girl about four times, over two weeks. She went on to say that I'd made her feel like a "social pariah"…"examining herself for defects and social flaws".

What the fuck?! Surely sometimes it's just better to both accept that the chemistry wasn't there. I mean, what the hell does she want – a bullet-pointed list of the things I didn't like about her?…

Dear Carmen,

Okay, I tried to do the polite thing and told you it "wasnt working for me" but you demanded to know why. So, here are the exact reasons why I don't want to go out with you any more:

1. You have a totally different sense of humour to me, I find it really immature. That awful time when you showed me those weird clothing websites that you piss yourself laughing about and I want to burn down.

2. You are mysteriously quiet in bed when I touch you, which is deeply un-sexy and makes me feel really shit as though I can't please you. As a 28 year old bloke I can assure you this is a bit unusual – could you at least moan, or sigh or something when something happens that feels good? Or perhaps it never did with me. Either way, that's not good for both of us.

3. You have a quirky way of speaking where you drop in your own made-up words like 'yoink' and 'alcomohol'. This was initially a bit endearing but quickly became really childish and a teensy bit odd. The whole thing felt like a game which would be fun to play from time-to-time but was bloody horrible to be trapped in.

Look forward to hearing from you!

D

Break out the Champers

My arse is fixed!

Hooray!  Hooray!  My arse is fixed. 

Looking myself in the eye

I had one of those moments today that you swear will never, on pain of death, be told to another living soul.

My ass is still curiously sore, there's a painful lump next to the 'out-pipe' so after doing the bloke thing for days and ignoring it I decided I'd best take a look. But how does one look closely at one's own anus? Biologically, it's not really sited at a convenient vantage point. I've been quite pleased about that until now – I'd much prefer that nature kept my face and ass as far apart as possible. After a surreal bout of of 'dog-chasing-tail' attempts to get a gander at the old fella, I remembered something from school about female self-examinations.

So, five minutes later, there I was, in my bedroom, trousers round my ankles, squatting over a large mirror and staring at my arsehole. Such an event should only occur once in a man's life, if at all. There's nothing quite like a good long look at your own back passage to destroy any delusions of grandeur.  Let me tell you guys – it's a fucking mess down there.  Hairs, holes, crevices, brown bits, lumpy bits, pink bits. It really wasn't designed for public exhibition.

Anyway, case closed, matter resolved, end of story. There does seem to be some sort of lump, but I'm hoping it's just a cut or something that'll go away in a few days. Otherwise, guess it's time to start the search for a doctor who can promise me, hand-on-heart, he will never.. ever.. drink in the same pub as me.

Leper Day

I feel like the world's most pathetic singleton.

Not only am I devoid of job, money, motivation or girlfriend, in the ultimate "kick me while I'm down" scenario, I have just been blown out by a girl who's a crap kisser and has wonky teeth.

After a disastrous series of dating encounters (girl with ADHD and bizarre asexual bedroom attitude, girl with boobs that made me feel sick, girl with head shoved up her posh ass, very lovely geordie girl that just wasnt very interesting) I decided that perhaps I was going about all this the wrong way. What about Bernie, my ex-housemates' new arrival? We'd already snogged a few months back, she's a nice girl, intelligent, funny, pretty. OK, she wasn't the best kisser, but we can arrange a re-training camp, right?

Bernie's only real downside is that she has crossed teeth. Lord knows why her folks didnt slap a brace on her as soon as those incisors began to kiss ten years ago. The first time I met her they shone out like a big entagled calcium piece of twisted modern art. But once I got to know her, strangely enough, I didn't really notice them any more. She really does have a beautiful face. No tits, but then that's never really been a deal-clincher for me. Quite into the whole 'small and perky' thing.

So, after dating this other guy (who's apparently a total prick) she's now single again, and has always been very tactile with me ever since our encounter. We get on, she laughs at my jokes, touches my arm.. ..basically, the signs have all been looking good. I even checked with KD her housemate who reckoned that she likes me.

So, after weeks of titting about, being unsure whether she was right for me and both of us generally skirting around the issue, I finally bit the bullet yesterday and emailed her saying 'ok, throw me a bone here, are you / aren't you interested in going for a drink together'…

…and she blew me out! The bitch! I can't believe it! I got this email back saying all the usual "wow, i'm very flattered.. yada yada not really looking for anything at the moment yada yada blah blah ' FUCK OFF! I don't believe it! There I was, wondering whether I was making a big mistake going for it, and she blows me out! For fuck's sake, now I feel like the ultimate leper. I can't even get a buck-toothed flat-chested washing-machine-tongue woman to date me.

That was cruel. But then I'm feeling a lot of anger right now.